I received this joke via email yesterday and thought I’d share it with you. Forgive me if it’s already been widely circulated. I’d love to give credit to the author if I knew…

“You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on …

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1″.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1″.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue “w”?

ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…”

I’d love to see a version written for Dominions II. It would start like this:

COSTELLO: I want to play God.

ABBOTT: Pretender.

Happy Gaming!
Annette

The atmosphere around the offices of Shrapnel Games has *ummm* changed now that Sarge is back full time. So much so that our office manager circulated a memo to the staff last week. Thought I’d share it with you.

“Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “Try Saying” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
INSTEAD OF: No f___way!!!

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.”

It will be quite interesting to see if these suggestions are taken seriously. I can’t imagine some (okay one in particular) of my co-workers calling “Delayed Again” Brooks “somewhat insensitive” in place of the usual phrase!

Happy Monday!

I want to thank our Space Empires fans for the outpouring of sentiment we’ve received in reaction to Tim’s blog yesterday. The community you all have nurtured on our forums is a gem, a rare gem. You are what makes this business FUN for us and have truly become our “virtual” family. We don’t expect any of that to change (especially the part where gifts are bestowed upon us when we meet up at conventions, Mac!). We laugh with you, we cry with you, and we grow and improve as a result of your feedback.

I’d like to share with you a few of the comments that have come to us via the forums, email and comments on the blog. These words have deeply touched us:

“This place is great and the effort you put here is immense. There isn’t a forum I’ve been on that I’ve enjoyed more than here.”

“Thank you for hosting an SE5 forum. You’ve really helped the space empires community flourish.”

“This is probably the best forum I’ve ever been on. I truly appreciate Shrapnel supporting us and our addiction.”

“Keep making good games, Shrapnel.”

“I look forward to many more years as a Shrapnel Games customer as they release more games and continue to provide excellent customer service.”

“Thank you Shrapnel for all the support of this community over the years.”

“Shrapnel has earned the respect of so many people over the years with the games you sell and the support you offer for your customers that you have the loyalty of many.”

“I wished to thank Shrapnel for publishing SE IV… I’ll be back (for Dominions III).”

And this pretty well sums it up.

“I guess we just don’t like change.”

I’d like to remind you that you are welcome and will have a home on our forums for as long as you like. None of us are crazy about changing our habits, and we hope the addition of a Space Empires V forum when the game is released will provide you the option to maintain the friendships that have developed here over the years.

Thank you again for the kind words. We deeply appreciate them and your support.

Annette

The topic of niche games and retail sales appears to be a favorite among various news groups and forums across the ‘net. A common misconception I see popping up repeatedly is that Shrapnel Games’ titles can only be purchased online, either from our own e-store or other web-only stores.

The fact is, we have spent the past two years growing our family of “brick and mortar” resellers. While it is true you won’t find our games in the bargain bins at EB Games, Gamestop, Walmart, etc., we do hope you’ll find our games on the shelves of many fine independently owned game and hobby retailers. Within our list of resellers, 40% are outside the US, spread over 10 countries with a fairly even split between physical and virtual stores. Of the remaining 60% which are domestic, only 40% are internet merchants. The majority of our domestic resellers are your local game and hobby shops trying to compete with the cut-throat pricing strategies of big box retailers cropping up in their neighborhoods.

As a general rule, these game and hobby shop owners work hard to win gamers’ loyalty and gaming dollars by offering in-store tournaments and promotions. They look for niche games that won’t be found in the chains. Many have been burned by the computer game industry when they put AAA titles on their shelves at or close to MSRP only to have Best Buy pop up next door selling the same titles at a fraction of what the game shop owner paid as cost. It’s not easy to persuade those owners to bring our computer games into their shops, but many have taken a chance and are experimenting with carrying niche computer games once again. We feel these game shops are bringing a much-needed value to the niche game industry by servicing customers who do not spend as much time online as we do or who are hesitant to make internet purchases. Yes, there are still gamers who prefer to walk into a store, pick up the product and walk out with it!

I have no figures to back up this statement, but my perception is that game shops are disappearing faster than small development teams and game publishers. We hope next time you head out to make your next off-line game purchase, you add your local indie game shop (if there’s still one near you) to your list of stops. Most of them are gems.

Thanks for reading!
Annette

Hello and welcome to the Shrapnel Games Blog. I am completely new at “blogging” (my 14 year old says I live under a rock) so please bear with me. I thought first I’d tell you a bit about my role at Shrapnel Games and then talk about the question on everyone’s mind, what’s happening with All American: The 82nd Airborne in Normandy!?!

When I met and fell in love with Tim Brooks in the summer of 2000, I knew nothing about pc gaming, let alone war game publishing. But Tim quickly corrected this glaring flaw in my character, and by winter I was helping out with Shrapnel Games Customer Support. We married in 2001, and I continued “helping out.”

In January of 2004 I finally succumbed to the relentless temptation of a glamourous career in the wargaming industry, gave up my day job and came on board full time. My official title is “Director of Reseller Relations” or something like that. To that end, I work to establish and maintain relationships with independently owned game and hobby shops who carry our games. If you know us well enough to have found your way here, you probably know you won’t find our games in the big box retailers. But you will find them in the types of stores which are devoted to gaming, and I’ll take this opportunity to say, “Please support your local game shop!” They are a vital part of our industry and have taken a beating from the discount retail chains. But that’s a topic for another blog.

Anyway, when I’m not doing that, I’m doing whatever else I can to help Tim and his beloved right hand, Richard Arnesen - answering the phones, coming up with great ideas which are impossible to implement, asking a bajillion questions and fetching donuts. Sometimes I just sit and stare at the wall or surf the ‘net or wait for someone to crave donuts (which is why we don’t have web cams in our offices, SJ and David).

Okay, I know you’re only plodding through this to get to the good stuff, WHERE IS 82ND???!!!! Shrapnel Games came into being with the primary intent to publish this great game. But very quickly, Tim was thrilled to learn that other great indie developers liked his business model and wished to sign up. Shrapnel’s first release was Dave Erickson’s Horse & Musket: Great Battles of the 18th Century, proud recipient of the coveted Charles S. Roberts award. Other great games followed, including another CS award winner, a game ranked in the Top Ten of 2003 by Computer Games Magazine, and a slew of titles which have received accolades like “Editor’s Choice” and “Top Pick.”

The biggest, and most likely the hardest, lesson Tim has learned while growing this company over the past 6 years is that it’s difficult to be the lead designer of a game while meeting the daily demands of presiding over a high energy company - a very common challenge for indie game developers. Tim has made a commitment to put the needs of our customers and developers ahead of making progress on 82nd. While we have what I think are the most brilliant and dedicated people in the industry on our staff (present company excluded), there aren’t that many of us and there are times we all turn at once, look at Tim with mouths gaping open and say, “Uh Oh, what do we do now?” Couple that with the other challenge facing small development teams (real life sometimes gets in the way) and we can now demonstrate first hand how a one year project can turn into a five year project.

Please know All American is very alive and very well. We are quite aware, and not happily, that projected release dates have slipped time and again. We remain fairly quiet about it because we don’t want to make empty promises nor make excuses, not to mention the updates come from Tim who we have now placed under lockdown. It is coming, and it is close. If we all hold our breaths, click our heels three times… and if the development team members will stop doing things like getting married, divorced or sick, having babies, accepting job promotions, etc… and if I promise to do my best to cut down on the daily distractions Tim faces, bring food and water to his desk and forbid him from sleeping more than 3 hours a night until it’s done - then it will be sooner rather than later. Actually, the rest of the greatest of all development teams and our wondrous beta testers are anxious and ready to add their final touches to the game - it’s in Tim’s corner now. We are all chanting…A-L-L A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N, A-L-L A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N.

In the meantime, please accept our most sincere appreciation for your patience and support. We’re quite proud to be a part of this community and are honored you have invited us into your homes and given us the opportunity to bring you fun and challenging games. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. In the meantime, feel free to write me anytime at annette@shrapnelgames.com.