Shrapnel Games Blog

You ever flip channels in the wee hours of the morning, like between three and five? If you have then you’ve encountered plenty of infomercials. I’ve noticed that there are essentially three main classifications of the really popular infomercials.

By far the type you’ll see most often involves making money. Typically this involves flipping properties, using online stock trading programs, or multi-level marketing. In some cases it’s never even made clear how you’re supposed to make money, just that you need to call them to become the next Bill Gates.

From these money making infomercials we discover that to become a millionaire you don’t need any skills, talents, or even an education! And that old saying you need money to make money? Forget that! You can be a high school dropout living in a cardboard box down by the river and by using their program you’ll make six figures a month! Amazing! Even more amazing is the fact that all these folks who come up with the programs—from identical twin dwarves to ADHD poster children—are so altruistic that they want to share these money making secrets with the world.

Selling weight loss products is the next most popular form of late night infomercial. Pills, exercise machines, dance routines, even girdles…all guaranteed to shed the pounds and turn you into an Adonis or Venus. Best of all you don’t have to work at losing weight! In just minutes a day you’re body will receive the same type of workout as if you spent all day at the gym, and you only have to do it three times a week to drop inches off your waist! Would Mr. Invasion America himself, Chuck Norris, lie to you?

Finally we have the shilling of health products. You see, all current medical knowledge is a lie perpetrated by the Illuminati, Majestic-12, the Hamburglar, et cetera, designed to steal your money in return for false hope and cures. Thankfully there are enlightened individuals who will happily sell you books and pills that will let you live healthy to two hundred, raise the dead, fly, and spider climb. Oh wait, I think I’m confusing spells from D&D with the promises these infomercials make. Then again, you’ll be just as healthy if you did use D&D books as a reference.

Okay, so when you look at all three types of infomercials what do you learn? That there is a market for selling to greedy, lazy people who expect immediate results and don’t want to actually work for anything. Armed with this information we can design a game that is guaranteed to sell in the tens of millions!

First, we need to make sure the game is easy to play. Heck, it can even play itself. Remember Dungeon Siege? That pretty much played itself. You could get up and go use the bathroom without pausing the game and come back to find that you defeated the big foozle and the world was safe. Okay, so we’ll use a similar game as the basis of our multi-million copy selling game design.

Once we have the basic game we now add a couple of features, like during gameplay it predicts the stock market. Or that playing the game will make you lose weight*. *Results not typical. And of course that you’ll live to a hundred because of it.

So a bullet point feature list of our ultimate game would look like this:

• Even a high school drop out can play!
• Ride the stock market wave with our patented color arrow doohickey!
• Flip properties with no money down using the in-game foreclosure browser!
• Lose four pant sizes when playing! (For this we could get testimonials from Korean gamers eschewing food and drink when gaming.)
• Cures cancer and makes you a sexual stallion!
• Saves your eternal soul!

All that’s left is to film an infomercial starring some long since forgotten actor or actress. Hmm, I don’t think Chevy Chase has been doing anything lately. Film the commercial, start running it at four in the morning, and presto! License to print money! Why hasn’t anyone done this before?

There you have it, the secret to making the all-time best selling game ever! And that’s just a taste of the possibilities that game design offers. Without any skill or talent you too can be the next world famous game designer! Want to learn more? Learn the secrets for only $39.95, risk-free! Be sure to ask your operator about rush delivery!