Shrapnel Games Blog

The other day I came across this story . Please take a moment to read it, I’ll be here.

Done? Super. Now frankly the fact that people still get their panties in a wad over videogame violence doesn’t surprise me. No, what surprised me reading the piece is this section:

“In “Stubbs the Zombie,” the lead character eats the brains of humans as blood splatters across the screen.

“It’s just the worst kind of message to kids,” said Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., who joined institute officials at a press conference announcing the group’s 10th annual video game report card.”

Yep, that’s just the worst kind of message. Before you know it little Timmy is cracking open his sister’s skull and sucking down the gray matter instead of doing his chores. And all because of a game! Oh, the humanity!

Give me a break!! Are these idiots really thinking that kids are going to start a necrophagic rampage because of a computer game? I know there are a lot of stupid people out there (especially on the Atlanta roads…like the guy I was behind driving 20 miles below the speed limit, with no working brake lights, and all the while shaving in his car…) but I really don’t think we need to start worrying about kids imitating Hannibal Lecter.

But since there are people worried about this kind of stuff I thought it may be a nice public service to discuss some of our games and make sure kids are made aware of certain aspects of said games.

Weird Worlds: Return to Infinite Space

Kids, in Weird Worlds you can explore an entire galaxy in about twenty minutes. In real life you’d barely be away from Earth in twenty minutes. More so if you’re trying to launch into space by attaching fireworks to your bike. If you do manage to get into space and you end up dying of old age before you even encounter your first planet outside our solar system don’t blame us. And hey, when you’re out there and the aliens come to probe you, again, don’t blame us. Be smart and explore space on your computer. It’s less painful, and less time consuming.

Prussia’s Glory

Calvary charges inside your house is a no-no. Horses simply don’t have enough room, and if you have more than one story to your house it gets really ugly. Horses don’t do well on stairs. They get nervous and before you know it you have horse poop and pee all over the place. Then your parents come home and start yelling at you. No, best not to do any charges inside.

And another thing, don’t fire cannons in your neighborhood. Sure, it looks fun in the game, but in real life they tend to make a lot of noise, and do you know what a lot of noise does? It makes the neighbors call the police, and then mommy and daddy have to explain to Officer Nice why you’re shooting a cannon in the cul-de-sac. Plus cannonballs can hurt someone. Imagine a bowling ball dropped on your crotch from a hundred yards up. That’s what getting shot with a cannon feels like. Not very fun sounding, now is it?

Dominions II: The Ascension Wars

Yes, according to today’s schools everyone is special. But if you play Dominions II too long you may think you’re more special than others. You may think that others should worship you. You may even try to ascend to godhood by the wanton slaughter of innocents.

Blood rituals are bad, m’kay? If you go to school and sacrifice your class in an effort to become all-knowing and all-powerful a lot of horrible things will happen. First, the janitors won’t like you because cleaning up all that blood is hard. Next, the teachers won’t like you because your school will lose government funding for being a violent school. The principal won’t like you because it will give your school bad publicity. And finally your parents won’t like you because they’ll have to leave work early to go pick up their blood soaked wannabe deity.

Land of Legends

In Land of Legends there are evil gnome gardeners. They look a lot like the garden gnomes you see around your neighborhood. You may have an urge to wage war on these ornaments. You may want to smash them. Or maybe you just want to kidnap them from their yards and send them on a trip around the world, sending pictures of the gnome in the various global locales.

Of course both of these would not be good. No kids, the willful destruction of other people’s property is wrong, even if they are garden gnomes. And…well…you know what? Actually, how bad is it? So you smash a garden gnome or two. Is that really the crime of the century? Besides, those things are pure evil. You know how mommy and daddy are always fighting, and when daddy is away mommy introduces you to a bunch of “uncles” that you never see again? Well, that’s all the fault of the garden gnomes in your neighborhood. They do stuff like that. They make your parents hate each other, and force your teachers to torture you with school plays, and once they even gave birth to the unholy creature known as Pauly Shore. So go ahead, SMASH ALL GARDEN GNOMES! DESTROY!! MUTIL—err, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, don’t become a violent lunatic because of garden gnomes.

There, now parents you can sleep sounder tonight, knowing that your children have been warned about not trying to imitate computer games in real life. Senator Lieberman would be proud.

-Scott